THE ASSIGNMENT: Answer this question - who would win in a fight, a pirate or an orange?

(Note: all those who did not list their location are listed as hailing from Aberdeen.)

BEST ANSWERS
J. Quick in Aberdeen (visual):


Paul in Aberdeen (written): Clearly a pirate would win. Honestly, is this even a legitimate question?
Let's look closely at this.
Pirates have cutlasses and could easily slice the orange into bite size pieces.
Pirates have guns with which they could splatter the orange all over the wall?
What's an orange got? It hurts if its juice gets in your eyes. That's not even a part of the fruit! It's a sour biproduct! Oranges are tasty. Therefor a pirate would have no moral qualms about slicing it up and eating it. Oranges are not sentient beings remember.
So a pirate would easily win in a landslide, shutout victory, which would end in the orange being dissolved in the rum-filled stomach of this pirate.

OTHER EXCELLENT ANSWERS
Michael from Aberdeen: And they’re off!  They’re eying each other warily.  The pirate draws his pistol, lines up his shot, and fires.  But he’s missed!  And now, he knows the orange is critiques him.  You can just see the fear in the eyes of the pirate.  He’s worried about being embarrassed by a fruit.  He draws his dagger quickly; preparing to attack the orange as it silently judges him.  He lunges forward, but a slight breeze rolls the crafty orange to safety.  Our pirate, infuriated, lunges again.  His haste will prove his downfall, as the orange sprays juice into his eyes.  Victory: Orange.

Devan in Aberdeen:


Jim in Aberdeen: Pirates die of scurvy - oranges everywhere thank Gahndi's teachings on non-violent pacifism for there victory.

Tomas in Aberdeen: What is it, to win? Should the pirate vivisect or consume the orange, he might "win"--but winning would only entail his life of misery, threat of hanging or sinking, would continue. Whereas by the orange can win merely by its absence, inflicting the pirate with accursed scurvy and compounding his misery the more. Indubitably, the orange (O fruit of peaceful boughs and golden succulence; of radiant sun and flourishing orchards) can be the only winner here.

Nicholas from Aberdeen: Who would win in a fight between a Pirate and an Orange? The answer is simple: The Orange. The reasoning, however, is quite complicated.
You see, the Orange is the natural ally of the Pirate. He helps fend off scurvy with his citrus-y goodness. So naturally the Orange would lend his healing power of deliciousness (and vitamin C) to the Pirate, thus earning his trust. Over many years the Orange and Pirate would become the closest of friends, spending most major holidays together, having that "living together" period until one of them met someone they eventually would live with and marry. They would be each other's respective "Best Man" and would grow old together as they watch each other's families blossom and grow. Then one day while rowing in a boat they built together, the Orange, remembering the ages old fight they once had, would suddenly and abruptly push the Pirate into the lake, row to shore, and never look back.

Shawn: First we should ask what the criteria for victory is? For the purpose of this analysis we'll assume death is the criteria for victory. If Death is the criteria for victory, then the pirate cannot win, but neither can the Orange. For unless the orange is on the tree still, (Which I highly doubt it would be, that'd result in the orange having an unfair number advantage), the orange would already be dead upon entering the battle field. Reduced to existence on a purely cellular level. This would be the pirate cannot kill it, and someone else killed it. Thus the person who picked the Orange and stopped its processing of energy would be the victory. Unwittingly having won this race to, "first blood".

Cameron in Aberdeen: If the orange were a sentient being capable of movement, it would win. It would withhold itself from the pirate until he eventually succumbed to scurvy. However, if the orange is just an orange, the pirate sort of wins by default since the orange died the moment it left the tree. However, these two scenario's assume we are talking about the citrus-y fruit. If it were the presence of the color orange, contained in a prism perhaps, then (assuming a ninja doesn't decide to take out the pirate while it's contemplating how to capture a color) it's definitely a draw, since the pirate would just sell the thing and get drunk later. The orange would feel superior and tell itself it won, but technically they would've tied.

Sirrush from Aberdeen: Oranges, of course. All they need to do is not get on a pirate's ship, and hey! all the pirates die a slow and painful death. They used this method for years, until someone caught on and started holding their babies hostage and forcing their presence on the ship, and then, like the cannibals those pirates are, ate all the parent oranges while the children were forced to watch.

Kevin in Aberdeen: The more important question is why they would be fighting. Pirates eat oranges to fend off scurvy. And since you are what you eat, pirates are oranges. Let us celebrate this union of oranges and pirates, or as they shall now be known: Ornates. Ornates – An excellent source of Vitamin Arrrrr.

Alex in Aberdeen:  This question is central to the 17th century analog of rock-paper-scissors, namely, pirate-scurvy-orange.  In this version of the classic game, scurvy kills pirate, orange cures scurvy, and pirate eats orange.  In this game, orange is represented by a fist, pirate is a hook made with the first two fingers, and scurvy is signified by pulling a tooth out of your mouth.  Needless to say, only the most advanced and dedicated players ever used scurvy, so pirate managed to win most matches.

Arun in Basking Ridge, NJ: Oranges, being a plant species, have been established on the Earth and have had time to adapt to ever-changing conditions long before the human species even existed, let alone pirates. Any damage a pirate could do to an orange would simply be accounted for in a survival-of-the-fittest theory, in which the orange most suited for survival against the pirate would survive, and would then multiply to make the entire species pirate-proof.

Jeremy in Aberdeen: Pirate stabs orange multiple times, and then eats it.
Orange was inanimate to start and therefore Pirate feels that the challenge was inadequate.
He decides that the only way to truly defeat the orange is to live without ever wanting it.
Pirate dies of scurvy soon after.

Russell in Aberdeen: The pirate, call him Scragglebeard, will accost the orange with his rapier wit (cutlass wit, perhaps? it's not important.) The orange does not respond. Unaccustomed to this lack of respect, Scragglebeard will produce his actual rapier (I'm sticking with rapier because Ol' Scrags has style) and stabs his rotund opponent, only to get juice in his eye which stings like the dickens. So Scragglebeard grabs the orange and shoves it into a cannon and fires it into the sea saying, "Arr, and that'll be the last of his citrus-y kind aboard me ship!"
Eventually Scrags dies of scurvy. Orange wins.

Eric in Wisconsin: The pirate would win in the short run, but long-term, they would both lose because the only way an Orange can fight a Pirate, is if it has superpowers. So the Pirate would still defeat the Orange, but in the process, get radiation poisoning, because everybody knows that superpowers come from nuclear exposure.

From Sara in Oklahoma: Is a pirate without scurvy really a pirate worth being?

MOST EXCELLENT POETS
Joshua in Aberdeen:
Across a clear deck our heroes have met
Each wary of looking away
For both of them knew that the stakes had been set
And just one would be leaving that day.

The orange showed Blackbeard the sword he had brought
(he knew that his luck was not gone
the number of pirates 'gainst which he had fought
and lost was practically none)
The buccaneer laughed 'til his belly was sore,
and conducted a vicious war dance.
He reached out and cleft that poor orange in four.

"Feeling lucky, you punk, just perchance?"

Mike in Aberdeen:
Scurvy
Pirate Versus Orange.
Yes, Orange is one syllable.
Pirate is victor.

Kevin in Aberdeen:
Orange, dear orange
How might you fight?
Taking my strength,
 My pirate-y might.
I need to consume you
So I can fight free
But alas I’m forsaken
And it’s scurvy for me!
Oh orange! Dreaded orange
How you defeat me!
Such a strange color,
I’m used to the sea!
Just one bite of your
Succulent juice!
I’d offer my soul
Or hang by the noose!
Oh orange my master,
I pray unto thee
No worry or scoundrel
May mask up my plea
That in the ocean where
I can be me!
I am defeated
For you are Jet Li

OUTSIDE-THE-BOX THINKERS
David in Aberdeen: According to the Urban Dictionary, an Orange is someone from New Jersey. If Jersey Shore is a true representation of what people from New Jersey are like, then God help us, that pirate better win for the sake of humanity.

Michael in Aberdeen: I'm going with orange due to the simple fact the orange is more dictionary definitions, so therefore it is more versatile.

Isaac from Alaska: Since an orange wasn't specified, we'll go with William of Orange (specifically, William III of England) as our choice. It follows that if a pirate is in a direct confrontation with the law, he's probably already lost. So my answer is 17th Century England.

Gary in Aberdeen: The orange wins, peels down. Why? Because pirate juice tastes just plain NASTY.  ARRRange > ARRR!

Chris in Aberdeen: The orange because nothing rhymes with orange, and 4,184 words rhyme with pirate.
Matthew in Aberdeen: Orange wins, nothing rhymes with Orange except more Orange, therefore it is the superior of the two.

Alex in Virginia: Assuming no double/triple word or letter tiles, pirate would be worth eight points while orange would be worth only seven in a fair game of scrabble.  This is really the only fair way to assess their worth because you can fight scurvy just as well by eating dandelions.

Kurt in Aberdeen: That's easy.  Orange is both a fruit and a color, so while the pirate may squish the fruit, he can never defeat the color.  Therefore, the Orange, which is eternally a color, wins.

MATHEMATICAL APPROACHES
Josh in PA: I submit that the pirate shall win.  As the pirate reaches his (much lower) terminal velocity very rapidly after jumping from the airplane at 3000m (Because really, what better way is there to decide the fight than by skydiving?) the orange impacts first.  The pirate can then open his parachute and aim his landing for maximum squishing power on (what’s left of) the orange.


Kevin in Aberdeen: Scurvy being the scourge of many a pirate, conditions exist in which an orange could beat a pirate.  The odds of the orange successfully defeating the pirate thus requires a three-dimensional graph.  One axis represents the intelligence of the pirate: a dumb pirate will not even know to look for an orange; a smart pirate will know where and how to find one.  The other axis represents the elusiveness of the orange: an obvious orange will perish quickly, and a well-hidden orange may outlast the pirate before it rots.  Attached is a crude representation.

EXCELLENT EXCERPTS FROM OTHER ANSWERS
Rae in Aberdeen:  I believe in an altruistic orange, one that surrenders the fight knowing it would only rot as the battle continues.

Abby in Wisconsin: I feel as though one party has the unfair advantage. The advantage being a scimitar.

William in Aberdeen: Sure, one makes a career of murder, and sure, the other is nothing more than a glorified tree-baby.

Jon in Aberdeen: The orange is only doing its noble duty for the greater good and the continuation of orange kind.  In short: oranges, twice the Communist you thought they were.

Steven in Nashville: I have a nice picture of the pirate being hung by British Navy officials from an orange tree grown from the seeds of that orange, thus giving the orange the last laugh.

Dan in Purdue: Common sense tells me the pirate would win, but the orange is just so ap-peal-ing. And he has such a zest for life. But in the end, the pirate will beat the pulp out of him.  Something, something seeds, something juice.

Kelsie in Aberdeen: The orange, because it dies a hero.

Joe in Aberdeen: He's too grateful to kill the orange.  This is when the orange lands the killing blow...

Daniel in Aberdeen: Even an inanimate piece of fruit can kick your ass if you’ve got scurvy.

Matt in Aberdeen: Throw in the lack of a central nervous system, which allows the orange to shrug off damage from a sword and instead multiply its forces.

Tim in Aberdeen: If my high school teachers taught me anything, it's to always restate the question before you answer it.  So... Who would win in a fight, a pirate or an orange?

A VIDEO SUBMISSION
From Olli in Germany

AND TO FINISH, AN EXCELLENT VISUALIZATION
Mike in Massachusetts: