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Homework: Excuses

THE ASSIGNMENT: In 40 words or less, what is the most elaborate AND realistic excuse you can come up with for your failure at an extremely mundane task? Your task can be anything realistic and mundane, but it must be clear what you failed at in your forty words.

(Note: all those who did not list their location are listed as hailing from Aberdeen.)

Mackenzie in Syracuse, NY:
Bending quickly over
To salvage fallen dishware.
Sad glittering effects a pause
'Tisn't my place!

Who am I to combat
Those most intrinsic forces?
Our planet's, indeed, my kitchen's
Entropic nature.

'Tis folly, fighting.
Coexist with the forces that be!

Paul in Kansas:
Entropy. Really. There couldn't possibly be a more mundane yet elaborate reason for failure.

Coyote in Houston:
The human brain has finite resources for supporting the formation and maintenance of neural pathways. Mine are invested in science. That’s why my shoes don’t have laces.

Celeste in Aberdeen:
I failed... I could not complete the task of opening the door because my thumbs were taped to my palms. I was trying to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur. Dinosaurs cannot open doors.

Catherine in DC:
I tried to get my credit report for my personal finance homework but was unable to because the government said I was actively deployed in the military, not a US citizen, or had a freeze placed on my Social Security. (True story.)

Leo in Aberdeen:
As I was putting on cologne, the fumes were caught aflame by a nearby candle, burning me and my shirt, and that's why I couldn't make it to the party.

Melissa in Chicago:
"The pan was too close to the edge of the counter and spaghetti sauce is remarkably aerodynamic."

My excuse for once managing to knock over a pan of spaghetti sauce and splatter its contents on everything within a 10 foot, 360 degree radius, in a simple attempt to tap the excess sauce off the stirring spoon.

Katie in Pullman:
Can I get an extension on that homework project? Last week I was in the hospital recovering from surgery for my ruptured appendix. The week before three different doctors told me I probably just had a really bad stomach flu...

(Actually happened to me.)

Eric in Chicago:
Chronologically speaking it might be accurate to say that I did not hand in my homework.  Allow for nonlinear time, however, and I can assure that i have already handed it in, just not yet.

Nate from Texas:
Sorry I didn't cook the turkey. As soon as I put it in the oven, the power went out, and I tried to cook it on the fireplace but I ended up burning my hands.

Mike in Wyoming:
I regret my inability to work out with y'all, but it appears I am allergic to exercise. I get really hot, run out of breath quickly, sweat like a pig and get thirstier than a diabetic in a desert. Sorry!

J sh fr m Spain:
I c uldn't acc mplish  this week h mew rk because  ne  f the keys in my keyb ard is missing...

Amanda in Aberdeen:

Well the dog stole a plate
And he ate what we had ate
So I chased him, hit my head
It’s a miracle I’m not dead
But I still can barely see
So will you do the dishes for me?

Chris in Glenview, IL:
Student: "I'm sorry sir, I can't give you my homework right now, my brother burnt it."
Teacher: "It was an online exercise..."
Student: "He triggered the firewall?"

Wesley in Alexandria, VA:

"I was trying to fail, because it's better to succeed at failure than it is to fail at success."

Larry in Marlborough, MA:
"The flashing lights combined with the angle of the moon and how the light came through the trees made a sort of hypnotic pattern that made the wall invisible from my viewpoint."

That's the excuse I came up with when I accidentally backed into a concrete wall a few years ago. I was trying to back into a driveway in order to turn around and backed into a wall instead.

Meghan in Seattle:
The drain?  I have decided to let it be.  Monstrous currents have swept out of the abysses between the stars and are converging here.  I have stared into the darkness to find it staring back at me.

Patrick in Sacramento:
I lit myself on fire last night while cooking bacon when I tripped onto the pan’s handle, causing it to flip up and doused me in grease, which got caught by a stray flame from the stove, and caught fire.

Charlie from MA:
'... Sorry I'm late to class; I ran as fast as I could, but then the
relativistic time dilation slowed me down."

Jack in Buckinghamshire, UK:
"Look, lady. It's not *my* fault your shoes are ruined. how was i supposed to know your Chihuahua was allergic to superglue?"

Jon in White Plains, NY:

Dear Dr. Heuer,
I'm sorry I could not return your dog to you following its walk.  While I congratulate you on the Large Hadron Collider's success, your dog has been sucked into a black hole.

Richard in Frisco, TX:

My pet lynx, Walter, unwittingly scuttled through a botulinum sample. At that moment Walter mistook a stack of books for a rabbit and lunged; mid-flight, a Botulism-soaked claw caught my leg and paralyzed me. I collapsed to the unvacuumed floor.

Katherine from Australia:
It is with the utmost regret that I must inform you that whilst attempting to fulfil the commissioned task, the agent lost both hands and has been sufficiently traumatised that he is now a pirate. Please feed your own parrot.

Kelly in Canada:

While doing homework never kick your velociraptor, accidentally or not. It may, in retaliation, attack your hands, land on the keyboard where it would delete your homework, break your computer and potentially eat you. You never know.

Zoe in Birmingham, AL

I couldn’t do the dishes because NASA contacted me and said they needed a teenage girl to help them test their new space travel ship, so naturally I went with them and, well, their new space ship works very well.


Liz in Ashby, MD:

First man over Niagara Falls in a barrel: Survives.
Same man slips on an orange peel: Brakes his leg and dies.
True story, Bobby Leach. Look it up!