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Homework: Recipe For Success

THE ASSIGNMENT: Simply enough, what is the recipe for success?

(Note: all those who did not list their location are listed as hailing from Aberdeen.)

Ben in Winnetka, IL:
2 Cups Financial Responsibility
1 Pint Maturity
4 Teaspoons Trophy Wife
1 Shot Love
2 Cups Happiness
Half-Pound Vacation House.
1) Add Financial Responsibility, Maturity, Trophy Wife, and Vacation House in a large mixing bowl, stir until mixed 2) Pour Happiness into available pub glass
3) Take mixing bowl, throw into garbage or out nearest available window
4) Drop shot of love into the pub glass
5) Drink

Judith in New Zealand: The recipe for success is simple. Bring cookies to all events and engagements, and it doesn't matter what you achieve or fail to achieve because you're the awesome person who brought the cookies.

Jeffrey in Newark, DE:
1 cup           intuition
1 quart         upbringing*
1 smidgen       sanity (optional)
2 dashes        attitude
½ tsp           cumin
12 drops        blood
1 gallon        sweat**
3 oz            tears***
3 lb.           clothes****
Dissolve intuition and cumin in upbringing.  Add sanity if desired.  As pot begins to boil add attitude and cumin and remove from heat.  Once cool, add blood, sweat and tears.  Bring to the right place, and set for the right amount of time.  Dress in clothes.
* The best upbringings are 1/4 nurture and 3/4 nature.  Although many upbringings are domestic, an imported upbringing can make a fantastic success.
**Standard sweat, or perspiration, is 1% inspiration.  For better results try a sweat with 2-3% inspiration.
***The best tears have been distilled from cried in beers.  The author recommends a bitter IPA with a floral hop aroma for this.
****Clothes make the dish.  Choose clothes for the success you want.

Thomas from Aberdeen, UK: Bacon tree.

Cal from Birmingham, AL:
1 part hard work
2 parts scotch
1 teaspoon of knowledge
2 cups of dumb luck
Shaken, not stirred.
And to make a "dirty success" add one cup of corruption juice

Brian in Oshawa, Ontario:
No-Bake Success
motivation, 5 cups
time management, 1/2 cup
self-reflection, 1/2 cup
accountability, 8 heaping tbsp
trustworthy friends, at least 3
1 well-developed vision
Mix vision and time management in a bowl with 1 cup motivation then lay on parchment.
Brush self-reflection liberally, remove any self-negating beliefs as they rise to the surface.
Shape into a picture of desired results.
Share remaining vision with friends, sweeten with accountability.
Mix time management & accountability in measuring cup and spread liberally over surface.
Examine & sprinkle generous motivation on daily until fully risen.

Jennifer from Lynchburg, VA:
1 cup of preparation
4 cups knowledge
4 cups of skill
10 oz experience
2 bars of creativity
Passion (to taste)
1 scoup Recognition
(optional) Large Inheritance
Start with the 1 cup of preparation, and carefully add in a cup at a time equal amounts of skill and knowledge, very important. Chop up the bars of creativity and mix with aforementioned ingredients. I like to add plenty of passion (and sometimes too much but it's all good), but add passion to your own comfort level. Pour in the 10 oz of experience. Now here is the tricky part: you have to do all the work, so stir vigorously for several hours a day (more than 10 the better the results) for a few years (minimum of 5). Add the Recognition for all of your work, and set it in a pan. You can now garnish this with the optional Large Inheritance (it'll help the bake time honestly). And bake at about 200 F for about two years, keeping a very close eye on it.  Enjoy your fresh success, it takes a lot of work, but it is worth every bite.
I have found that experience is pretty tough to find but is sadly irreplaceable.

Ashley in Aberdeen:
Recipe for success:   In a room temperature bowl mix 1 cup enthusiasm with 2 tablespoons optimism, whisk gently.  Next, add 2 cups of hard work and 1 teaspoon of luck, followed by two teaspoon's of good timing.  Fold together until well blended and refrigerate until set.  Serve with a nice big slice of humble pie.

Amanda from Wisconsin:
The recipe for success is not a complicated one, however it does require a bit of effort:
4 cups Desire
3 tablespoons Will Power
2 cups Perseverance
1 teaspoon Defeat (as this is not a large amount, it serves no other purpose than to bring out the flavor of Success once it is finished)
3 cups Knowledge
3 ounces Timing (be sure to check the expiration on this, as bad Timing will ruin the entire mixture)
1 quart Patience

Steve from Boston:
Begin with a freshly-baked Idea (you don't want to use a pre-made one!), and add:
6 oz Determination
3 oz Perseverance
1 tbsp Dedication
A liberal amount of Hard Work
2 pinches Flexibility
Mix together in a large bowl of Positive Attitude using your own hands. Make sure to add a bit of Assistance or use some Helping Hands if it begins to get tough. (*Hint: if it does get too tough, try adding a bit of New Perspective to help rework it.) Toward the end, fold in a dash of Anxiousness, to taste. When you can smell Sweet, Sweet Victory, you know you're done. Serve warm (Remember, Revenge is the dish best served cold!), with a drizzle of Enjoyment upon seeing your completed Success!

Derek in Aberdeen:
2 cups of confidence
½ cup of strategy
1 ½ cup of planning
8 ounces of the Three C’s (Cool, Calm, Collected)
2.5 Gallons of Self Confidence
¼ ounce of luck
1 epic 80’s montage music
Directions: Assemble all ingredients in one’s self, then in the background of your success play the epic 80’s montage music to fully complete your Success.

Zach in Rolla, MO:
All measurements liquid
1 oz. Prevention
2 generous cups of competency
1.5 oz. curiosity
1 oz. restraint
1 cup each of patience, calmness, understanding
Mix together in pitcher
Throw out
Hope for the best

Evan in Seattle: 1 batch of success (in business):
2 cups Attitude
1 cup Confidence
3 cups Work Ethic
1 handful of Ambition
1 liter of Impressiveness 
1 pinch of Sociopathic mentality
Bake in the oven at 400°, but you can always bake it at 666° to sell your soul to the devil.

Meghan from Vemont:
2 c hard work
1 c determination
1 Tbsp luck
2-3 connections
1 personality (does not need to be your own)
1 thick skin
Add carnal, survival-of-the-fittest mentality to taste

Mike in West Chester, PA:
-2 cups of knowledge
-3 ounces of awareness
-3 cups of planning
-2 Tablespoons of courage
-1 scoop of motivation
-pinch of innovation
Sserved in a martini glass with initiative sprinkled around the rim and twist of luck

Andrew in Portland, OR:
30 g of Awesome
1 shot* education
2 shots Courage
30 g Don't Give a Frak
3 shots of Ambition
Garnish liberally with Smarts
Layer over ice. Wait 16 years for 'education' to ferment. Serve in a High-ball glass.
*a 'shot' is equivalent to 1 oz., (This recipe is in metric.)

Benjamin in Aberdeen:
1 sweat
0.7 blood
.33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 (etc.) trial
0.1*pi error
3i luck.
Mix trial and error with the sweat and blood (maybe they're frozen into a spoon shape) pour over luck and serve chilled to 3 Celsius. It's the luck that's the hardest to reproduce.

Matt in Los Angeles:
1 pinch              Inspiration
2 cups               Determination
1 stick               Elbow Grease
3 tablespoons    Sweat
6 ounces           Competence
1 pound             Faith (pick a flavor suited to your tastes)
1 teaspoon         Zest for life
1 sprig               Who you know (if in season)

Combine dry ingredients (Inspiration, Competence, Faith, and Zest) into a large mixing bowl. Beat in liquid ingredients (as nothing worth succeeding in will come easily) – Determination and Sweat. Coat a cookie sheet with edges in Elbow Grease and pour in the mixture. Place in refrigerator overnight to harden (as success often takes time and at times requires a cool disposition). When complete, break into chunks and share with others.
If Who you know is in season, skip all previous steps and simply use that (although remaining successful may require coming back to this recipe, unless you are a reality TV star).

Erik in Houston: What is the best recipe for success? Explosions. Nothing else, just explosion. What? Don't tell me you don't measure success in how much of the countryside can be leveled!

Rae in Chuck County, MD:
3 Parts Determination
1 Part Information
Inspiration Solution (recommend ~95% Water and 5% ethanol, by volume), as necessary
Luck, as necessary
Distill one part Information to produce Concept. Dissolve 3 parts Determination in Inspiration solution. Combine Determination and Concept in solution. Heat over a Bunsen burner (because success never comes until someone lights a fire under you). Add the Luck by drops until all the Red Tape precipitates (amount of Luck required will vary with environment). The remaining supernate is Success.

Sarah Elizabeth in San Jose, CA:
1 teaspoon knowledge
2 cups effort
5 cups of who you know
2 gallons of luck
Cook in a pressure cooker for half an hour, then strain and cool. Serve over ice cream.

Tim from Minnesota: Success is as easy as pie!  Here's how to make it:
One cup of planning ahead
Three cups of determination
Two and a half cups of skill 
First, put down a layer of planning ahead for the crust.  For the filling, spread out your determination as evenly as possible.  You don’t want to use too much determination on a single slice and be lacking on the others.  Add a layer of skill for the top crust.  If you don’t have enough, you can substitute luck and good timing.  Don’t rely on them too much because you’ll find yourself in short supply.  For optimal enjoyment, sprinkle a few well-placed connections on top.  Bake in the oven of life at 350 degrees for ten years or until gainfully employed.

Josh from Spain:
25% Talent
25% Hard work
50% Being in the right place at the right time
Warning: Do not use in case of an inflated self-esteem. Serious danger of become a total asshole.

Kelly from Stuarts Draft, VA: The recipe for success must always be balanced in it's ingredients. My recipe for success is 2 1/2 cups of genetic mutations that are 1 step ahead of evolution for populations.1/4 a cup of knowledge (not too much because knowledge can be bittersweet). 1/4 cup of sugar (to balance the knowledge). 1/2 of a cup of confidence. 1/2 of a cup of shame. 1TBS. of self preservation. 2TBS of good hair. 4 cups of money. 1tsp of unicorn blood. and a dash of salt.
Mix in a large mixing bowl
Set the oven to 232 degrees (make sure to use Celsius because the metric system is a very important factor in success)
Put mixed ingredients into a 9x12 baking pan bake for 45 minutes, or until black and mushy
Let cool for 10 minutes
Top with icing if it will make you feel better.
Warning: Do not eat the Success, it tastes pretty harking bad.

Amanda in Houston:
Skill Level: More Difficult than You’d Think
Start with 2 cups Ridiculous Confidence, 3 tbsp. Feeling in Control of the Situation, and a pinch of Decisive Action. Combine and allow to simmer until the mixture blows up in your face. Add ¾ cup Caution, 2 tsp. Reconsideration, and 1 tbsp. Less Reckless Course of Action. Bring to a boil, and leave on the burner until it explodes catastrophically, engulfing the kitchen in flames. Call the fire department. Once the flames have been extinguished, scrape the burnt ingredients from the wall into a large mixing bowl and add 2 quarts No Longer Giving a Hark. Leave on the counter undisturbed until completely cool. Add a dash of Newfound Patience, a pinch of New Idea, and ½ cup each Hope and Dumb Luck. Bake at 350 degrees until golden brown. Enjoy warm with an alcoholic beverage of your choice.

Leanne in Aberdeen:
1 cup ambition
2 cups expectations
1 quart optimism
Simmer until the mixture is reduced by 90% and vaguely resembles the color of complacency
Add 1 pinch hard work and enjoy

Howard in Aberdeen: I'm in High School, so here's my recipe for succeeding there:
1/2 gallon of Coffee

1 cup Thinking
3 cups Procrastination
8 oz. Begging
1 1/2 gallons Whine
1 teaspoon Sleep
Put contents in a sealed container and shake vigorously. The dish must be eaten on the spot.


Greg Cravens in Aberdeen (of Hubris Comics):

Judi in Aberdeen: I'm a biologist, so I elucidated a pathway- because that's how I roll.

Andrew in Aberdeen:
Traditional Success

While the traditional Success is still a widely sought after drink, it is hard to find a bartender who is able to make it correctly. Traditionally it is made as part of a trifecta of drinks known as a Triplet of Success. It is well worth closing a night with a triplet of Success. The first has been described as sour, but the last is arguably one of the greatest in the arsenal of the cocktail maker and is the favourite of most who've tried it.

*NOTE This recipe makes a full triplet of Success
Who you know

How to make
Chill three glasses with Ice. Place a slice of product at the bottom of cocktail shaker and cover with a third each of of Charisma and Planning. Pour a shot of good timing over sugar to follow. fill the remainder of the shaker with a list of your acquaintances. Shake vigorously until the product has been pulverised so as to be unrecognisable from the original.  Pour this equally over your three glasses - note, the third glass must be strained as you pour to remove any trace of the broken product.
Fill the remainder of the first glass with skill. This drink, while satisfying is not the true Success. On its own it is known as an Attempt and has been compared with a sour mash.
In the second, add half of skill and half of persistence. This one feels good at the start but as you reach the end of the initial drink you will find the sourness returns with a kicker of bitterness. On its own this drink is known as Hollow Failure and is the least liked of the traditional Success.
The third, and by far the favourite if you can manage to get through the first two, takes the base of the other two, then adds a half of Persistence and a half of Luck. To serve, add a new slice of product on the edge of the glass. This drink is satisfying, fulfilling,  incredibly sweet and can become addictive if made well. However, this drink is never taken on it's own.

Modern Success

For many people, the Traditional Triplet of Success can take too long. With the added sour and bitter of the first two, there are a lot of people who prefer the modern Success. This is a single drink and is much more accessible to the average drinker but after the initial drink can leave some drinkers with a desire for a more satisfying drink.

For this drink, you will need
Who you know

How to make
Pour a half cocktail shaker of luck over ice. To this add a shot of Charisma and Who you know to taste. Finish with more luck shake to blend. Serve in a chilled glass with Ice.
This is a very sweet drink, but it lacks the subtlety and character of the Traditional Triplet. The refined drinker will almost never prefer this over the triplet, but for some people it is a thrill that will never be forgotten.

Josh Martin in Aberdeen
Dear Professor,
I find the cliché recipe (1% inspiration and 99% perspiration) a bit too salty.  This is a more palatable one: 

“Success!” (American Pale Ale)
6 lbs pale malt extract
2 lbs 60°L crystal malt (crushed)
2 oz. Cascade hops
1 tsp Irish moss
2 packets SafAle US-05 dry yeast

1)      Steep crystal malt in 1 gallon of water at 150°F for 30 minutes.
2)      Discard grain, add water to make 6 gallons, bring to boil, add malt extract and 1 oz hops.
3)      Boil 45 minutes, then add another ½ oz of hops and the Irish moss.
4)      Boil 10 minutes, add the last ½ oz of hops.
5)      Boil 5 minutes (total: 1 hour), then remove from heat and cool to 68°F.
6)      Transfer to airlocked fermenter, add 2 packets yeast, then seal and let ferment for 28 days.
7)      Transfer to keg, pressurize to 15 psig, chill to 50°F, and allow to carbonate for ~3 days.
8)      Tap keg, transfer to pint glasses, and enjoy!